Harbor Line Banter 2: An Open Letter

Dear Self-Righteous Dude in the train,

I don’t know if i was fortunate or unfortunate to have been standing besides you in the 11.30 CST local on the day when the trains were running extremely late because of a derailment at Cotton Green station. As people crammed inside the already half an hour late train, i somehow found myself besides you. As we settled in the painfully slow and cramped train, i heard you talk complain about the “very crowded train” and how this was “very bad” and how the “authorities did not care about the passengers”. I heard you talk to your friend/partner whoever he was about how you had lived a “very settled life” and how you would “prefer the road instead of such a crowded train”. You even mentioned at one point of time how the “first class usually has more gujaratis but today they are nowhere to be seen”

All the time you spoke about your wealthy and high standard of living, you looked at me atleast 3 times and said to your buddy that many “unwanted people who dont belong here, have taken advantage of the situation and got into the first class compartment”. You must have probably thought, ‘hey whats a guy in jeans and tshirt doing inside this compartment? He doesnt even look Gujju!’. Yes sir, i dont look Gujju. I fail to understand how it matters in Mumbai whether you are gujju or not? Does it enable you to racially profile each person standing besides you in a crowded local train and pass judgements about how everyone in the world apart from gujjus are the most unwanted people in the first class compartment? 

You boast about living a well settled life and then when you spoke, you immediately became the most idiotic and most laughable person in the whole compartment. I could hardly control my laughter. There was a moment when a Sardarji entered the train and stood besides you, you said that ‘God knows how many people will get in now’. You gave a disgusting look to anyone who did not fit your ‘Only gujju’ standard. As we got down i was happy that you got pushed around by some fellow passengers at Masjid Bunder Station while alighting. 

It is because of people like you, that the Gujarati community gets a bad name. It is because of you that Gujaratis like me, always get judged before people even get to know me. You may have lived a life of a fat, rich gujju, but you have absolutely the lowest morals anyone can ever have. Please, go take the road as you mentioned. Dont ever take the train again, as it is better without people like you. And it is so ‘low class’ isnt it? Get a car. burn petrol. I bet you’d love that. 

The authorities whom you mentioned were able to get the Harbor Line up and running again within 3 hours inspite of the heavy rain. What did you do sir? Whine and Complain about how you deserved much better. No, you dont deserve the comfort. All you deserve is crowded trains, heavy rainfall and delayed slow locals when you travel. And i sincerely hope that you get that every fucking time you travel in Mumbai. For insulting me and many others for no reason, you deserve this. Hope you get pushed around in the train. Hope you get pick-pocketed. Hope someone sneezes on you while in a crowded train. Finally, i hope that i never meet you in the train again. 

From,

Akar Gosrani.

Harbor Line Banter 1

I recently started work and have been taking the Harbor line train to Masjid Bunder daily. Even though i go via the first class compartment, there is enough banter to keep me entertained throughout my 20 minute journey on the way to work and back. Sometimes its thoroughly entertaining and worth sharing with everyone. Hence, i thought why not blog about it. So starting today, whenever i hear some really good discussion I will post it under the title ‘Harbor Line Banter’. 

As i entered the first class compartment from Koliwada station, a group of roughly 4-5 gujarati businessmen who seemed to know each other, entered the compartment. They were not more than 38-40 years old. Of all those who entered, one had a freshly bought copy of Mid-Day with the front page report on Osama Bin Laden and how he was put to death. That was enough to get the banter started. The person who had the newspaper was reading it, while the other people started the discussion about what must have happened over the past one day.

“The Pakistani’s must’ve known he (Osama) was there, otherwise how can he live so lavishly?!”

“No, I think Obama just went in with the correct intelligence reports, shot him down and left, It all happened within 40 minutes!” 

“All that is fine, Just see the guts of these Americans. Captured and killed one person who was not in their hands, here we are sitting and can’t even kill those who are already in our hands. Shyaa”

“I was watching the news and they were showing a report about this guy who tweeted the whole thing live unknowingly. He described that one big blast took place and all was silent and then a helicopter crashed”

“Yes i saw that too. He was from Rawalpindi and had come for a vacation to Abbotabad”

“God knows when will these Pakistanis learn. What do they get out of all this? Americans got what they wanted, when will India get Dawood and others. Our government can’t even attack them for fear of a Nuclear attack. What a mad country! (Pakistan)”

Here is my favorite part of the whole conversation.

“I think its all a conspiracy, Obama’s ratings were at an all time low till now. Look at what has happened. His re-election is confirmed in 2012! No one can stop him now!

“These Congress people must be planning the same thing. At the very end of the term, they will pass the lokpal bill, hang Kasab and Afzal Guru and pitch in Rahul Gandhi. Sure shot winning campaign”

“If they are not planning this then at least we should suggest them this idea. At least there won’t be an Advani in contention for Prime Minister. But if (Narendra) Modi comes in, then it will be best”

Gujarat (read Narendra Modi) has suddenly become a role model for all states (read wherever there are gujjus) to emulate. I myself have seen the development going on over there with my own eyes. My native Jamnagar city has transformed into a bustling megapolis with bustling industries and HUGE projects which can put Bombay to shame. Majority of the Gujarati community wants Narendra Modi to continue as Chief Minister of Gujarat. They even want him to be Prime Minister. And just to mention I know of his past and hence won’t discuss that since this is a blogpost about what i heard today in the Bombay local. 

By this time, Masjid Bunder station had arrived and it was time to get down. They all alighted with me and i suddenly realised that 20 minutes had passed by so quickly! Osama’s capture and death was such a huge topic that people in office were also talking about it and discussing it in great detail. Everyone had their own conspiracy theory to tell and share. My dad went on to complain that these idiots (News Channels) kept showing the same thing all day and did not update on the Lokpal bill discussions which were taking place! 

 

You know you are in Jamnagar when..

• All the signs are in Gujarati and every second shop/office/factory/store is named “Patel”.
• Every third shop is a Paan and Soda shop. And all of them have dedicated customers.
• You see atleast one bungalow wherever you look
• Kachoris are found in EVERY house.
•  There is a Patel Nagar in any address given to you.
• There are more two wheelers than four wheelers.
• There is a mention of Reliance or Essar in almost every conversation.
• Narendra Modi is talked about as if he is a demi-god.
• Rickshaws have meters just for the heck of it.
• You hear that distinct Jamnagar accent which is hard to emulate.
• The favorite pass time of people is to hangout at a Paan and Soda shop eating paan, having a soda and talking about Business, Reliance and Essar or Politics.
• Patels are praised for their ambitious and hard working attitudes.
• Ranjit Sagar Dam is what they call “The Marine Drive of Jamnagar”.
• All the buildings, No matter how many floors they have, have a “Tower” in their name: K.D Tower, J.K Tower, etc.
• Mehul Cinemax (Now called Big Cinemas Mehul) is the one and only place with a Cafe Coffee Day.
• There is only one Domino’s Pizza in the entire city.
• Dabeli, Golas, Jhotto, Potato Chips are the staple junk food of choice. (Which are damn tasty by the way.)
• “Tadav Ni Paar” is the Chaat capital of the city. 
• Greenery all around.
• Everything is closed between 2 to 4pm so that everyone can go home, have a nap and come back.
• Heat and Cold are in extremes in their respective seasons.
• There is an airport but only for one daily Air India flight between Bombay and Jamnagar. Rest of the time its used by Anil and Mukesh Ambani for their personal aircraft.
• The airport is the busy only for 4 hours in the entire day between 10 and 2pm.
• The airport is so small that it ends just as you enter. 
• The airport has a sign “Maintained by Reliance Industries”.
• The Essar and Reliance factories have dedicated railway lines for ferrying raw materials. Their complex is so huge that even after half an hour by road travelling in a car, it does not end.
• There is only one mall (Reliance Mall) situated on the outskirts of the city.
• Ashirwad, the only open air restaurant has a huge Projection screen where they project TV shows like KBC, Taarak Mehta (Which is a pathetic if you ask me)
• There is an Indian Air Force base within the city.
• People from almost every country live there for months on end thanks to Reliance and Essar. The hotel business is flourishing thanks to them.

So thats probably Jamnagar from an outsider’s point of view. I love this place. Its my native and for the past 20 years i have been visiting every year. The Winter time is the best time to visit and the people are fun to be with. Connected by train and Air, I prefer the train journey as it is very picturesque and fun. This place is just awesome!